ch1The Template You Did Not Know You Were Running
She wanted her daughter to grow up knowing she was loved. Not intellectually knowing it, the way you know a fact someone told you once. Knowing it the way it stays in your body, the way it shapes how you carry yourself, the way it sits underneath every decision you make about what you deserve and what is possible for you. She said this out loud, as a wish, as something she wanted to give.
And then she said something else. She said that without a particular shift that happened in her, she would have operated on a template. The template her own parents gave her, the imprint of how childhood felt from the inside, the pattern of how her mother had parented, a pattern her mother may not have chosen either. She said that template would not have been felt for her child. Not because she did not love her child. Because the template would have run anyway, below the love, shaping what the love looked like in practice.
This is the thing about unhealthy relationship patterns that nobody names clearly enough. You do not have to be a bad person to be inside one. You do not have to be absent, or unkind, or uninterested. You can be someone who loves deeply and still be running a pattern that prevents that love from landing the way it needs to land. The pattern is invisible to you because it is your normal. You did not compare it to anything else. You lived it as simply the way things are.
A man in the same conversation says he sometimes feels there is something missing, that he does not express his feelings that much. He does not say he is broken or cold. He says it almost as observation, a fact about himself, the way you might say you are not a morning person. The pattern has become identity. That is the exact moment when an unhealthy relationship pattern is hardest to see and hardest to shift: when you are convinced it is simply who you are.
ch2What Makes a Relationship Pattern Unhealthy
The standard answer to what is an unhealthy relationship is a list of behaviors. Criticism, control, disrespect, neglect, dishonesty. The list is not wrong. But a list of behaviors describes the surface. It does not describe the mechanism. The mechanism is what actually matters if you want anything to change.
At the level of mechanism, an unhealthy relationship pattern is a gap. The gap between what one person intends and what the other person actually experiences. A father intends to prepare his son for a competitive world. The son experiences a relationship where his ideas are always corrected and never good enough. A partner intends to protect the relationship by not escalating arguments. The other person experiences someone who is never fully present, who retreats when things get real. A parent intends to push a child toward excellence. The child experiences conditional love: that they are valuable when they perform and uncertain when they do not.
None of these people are trying to cause harm. In nearly every case they are trying to do the right thing. The pattern is not a character failure. It is a gap between levels. What happens at the level of intention and what happens at the level of the other person's lived experience are not the same thing. And because we live inside our own intentions, the gap is invisible to us. We know what we meant. We do not fully see what was received.
What sustains the gap is that both people in the relationship are operating from their own inherited templates. The person who pushes learned that love looks like high standards. The person who withdraws learned that closeness is dangerous territory. Neither learned these things consciously. Both absorbed them through the texture of daily life in their family of origin, through thousands of small moments that added up to a template. When two templates interact, the gap between intent and impact is not accidental. It is structural. It will persist until a template changes, not just until the behavior on the surface is managed better.
This is what separates an unhealthy relationship from a difficult conversation or a bad week. A difficult week resolves. An unhealthy pattern repeats the same gap in different circumstances, across different topics, across years. The argument changes. The feeling one person walks away with stays the same.
ch3What the Change Actually Looks Like
A man describes his relationship with his son before and after something shifted in him. Before: the hierarchy was clear. Father at a higher position, son learning from father. The son was receiving; the father was teaching. That structure felt natural, even caring. It was not cruel. It was simply the template of what a father-son relationship looks like.
After the shift, he describes something different. He says there are many occasions where they are co-learning from each other. Both of them seeing something together. Both of them marveling. The son is not below him on a learning curve. They are at the same level, looking at the same thing, building their own relationship with each other in real time. He calls it open conversations. Not father-to-son instruction, but two people genuinely surprised by each other.
Notice what did not change. The man still loves his son. He was always trying to be a good father. His intent did not change. What changed was the pattern underneath the intent. And when the pattern changed, the son experienced something he had not experienced before in that relationship.
A second man in the same conversation describes what impact meant to him before a shift happened in him: people recognize you, people know what you do, people look up to you. After the shift, he describes impact differently. He says: is there anything I have done in a day where someone feels themselves when they are around me? The measure moved from how he is perceived to how the other person feels in the relationship. That is not a communication improvement. That is not better listening or more empathy training. The measure of the relationship itself changed, because what he was oriented toward changed at a level below conscious decision.
Across all the people speaking in the video above, the pattern of change is the same. The person does not try harder at the relationship. The person does not learn techniques for communicating better in the moment. Something shifts in the person, and the people closest to them feel something different. A daughter grows up knowing she is loved. A team stops reporting to someone and starts genuinely connecting with someone. A family finds new layers they had not been able to access before. The relationship changed because the pattern in the person changed. Not the surface behavior. The thing underneath it that was generating the behavior all along.
If you want to understand what this kind of change at the pattern level looks like in practice, across careers, families, and close relationships, watch the full video above before reading anything else on this page.
Key terms
Inherited TemplateThe unconscious model of how relationships work that a person absorbs from their family of origin. The template shapes how love is expressed, how conflict is handled, and how closeness is managed, without the person ever consciously choosing it.Intent-Impact GapThe structural difference between what one person means to communicate in a relationship and what the other person actually experiences. Unhealthy relationship patterns are defined by this gap persisting across time and situations, not by bad intent.Pattern ChangeA shift at the unconscious level that alters how a person automatically responds in relationships. Distinguished from behavior management, which addresses the surface, and from insight, which addresses understanding. Pattern change shows up first in how others feel in the relationship.CapabilityA response or way of being that has become so automatic it no longer requires effort. In relationships, capabilities include being able to be genuinely present, to co-learn rather than teach, to let love be felt rather than merely intended.Time CompressionThe acceleration that happens when the underlying pattern changes rather than the surface behavior. What might take a decade of slow drift in a relationship can shift in a fraction of the time when the template at the root of the pattern is addressed directly.Frequently asked questions
What are the signs of an unhealthy relationship?
The clearest sign is a persistent gap between what one person intends and what the other person experiences. Love that is present but not felt. Care that is there but not received. The same emotional result keeps appearing in different arguments about different topics. Surface signs like criticism or emotional distance are real, but they are symptoms. The underlying sign is that the gap keeps reappearing no matter how many conversations happen about it.
What is an unhealthy relationship?
An unhealthy relationship is one where an inherited pattern in one or both people creates a consistent gap between intent and impact. It is not defined by the absence of love or by the presence of cruelty. It is defined by a structural mismatch between what the people in the relationship are trying to create and what the other person actually experiences. The pattern runs below the level of conscious effort, which is why good intent and genuine care do not automatically fix it.
How do you fix an unhealthy relationship?
Fixing the surface behavior without addressing the pattern underneath produces temporary change. The argument shifts, but the emotional result stays the same. What actually changes an unhealthy relationship pattern is a shift at the level below behavior, the template that generates the behavior. When that shifts, people closest to the person notice first. The relationship changes because the person changed, not because the communication technique improved.
What is the difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship?
In a healthy relationship, what one person intends largely matches what the other person experiences. In an unhealthy relationship, that gap persists. Both types of relationship can involve love, commitment, and genuine care. The difference is not in the presence of feeling but in whether the pattern underneath allows that feeling to be transmitted and received accurately. A healthy relationship is not conflict-free. It is one where the gap between intent and impact is small and narrowing rather than large and fixed.
Can an unhealthy relationship change without both people working on it?
Yes. When one person's pattern changes at the level below behavior, the relationship changes even if the other person has done nothing different. The man who shifts from teaching his son to co-learning with him does not require his son to change for the relationship to feel different. The parent who can bring authenticity and congruence to parenting does not require the child to do anything. One person's pattern shift changes what both people experience in the relationship.
Full transcript
I hit 7th of my revenue last year. When I came, I was at zero. I was starting out. Today when you ask me that question, where do you start from and where will you end up, it's amazing. We won in terms of numbers, so our profit has almost tripled in the last six months. Financial freedom, done, autopilot. Investing as a journey, done, autopilot. Career as a journey, that I am progressing towards being a partner in auto pilot. Now the impact is, is there anything I have done in a day where I have brought a shift in somebody's life, because of which maybe a life is saved, they have made a good mark in their work, maybe they have saved a relationship, I think that's the impact. I believe that every person, every ten years, will have, an average person every ten years, will have a new set of capabilities that defines them, which is the natural process of evolving. So at some point in your life, what happens is there are some things that become new that become so innate. And once it becomes innate, it becomes capabilities, you start taking them for granted, and on top of them, you build new things. And I think an average, it happens, a new set of capabilities happens for people every ten years. And every ten years, simply because of the context they are in, they are able to build new things, and they are able to build new things. And every ten years, simply because of the context they are in, maybe they have got two, three promotions in their job, maybe they quit their job, start a business, or maybe they just finish their education and start getting into a job. But the more they are working in a particular area, the more they are doing things, there is a natural path in which people grow. The agenda for me at UP, and for me at Harni, is to time compress the development of new capabilities. So what could take five, ten years in order for you to develop? Can we kind of reduce that into six months? And one of the things that Harni and I go after every time is the Launch Your Legacy outcome, is what we call as rarity completion. So often you find people who grow fast in their career, you know, when they are like 20s, they are absolutely good at what they do, and when they hit 30, 35, they somehow seem to plateau. And then they seem to plateau for the next 20 years. And you see the other extreme as well, then they grow till they are age 50, and after 50 they seem to plateau again. And sometimes you see people struggling right at the age of 20s. So you see all kinds of people. But what is common in the people who plateau is that they are very good at something, but they are unable to become relevant and good at something else that is needed at that age. I am a chartered accountant into practice, so I am looking at expanding that manifold. The plan was to set up a new company, so we have done that. As of now, we are growing close to 2x every year for the last three years. So one in terms of numbers, so our profit has almost tripled in the last six months. And we are working on more new products, which probably we should be able to execute by October or November, which would again like take us to the next level. I am starting out, I have transitioned into a new career very recently, and what I am doing is unfamiliar and new to me. I am into the coaching facilitation piece. Works come along really well. Good progress in the scale of work, in the number of clients etc. I think two years in a row I have been recognised by TimeTech India as the 100 most influential coaches in India. I am suddenly getting a lot of awards and some industry recognition. So last two years in a row now, I have been awarded as one of the 100 most influential coaches in India. Last year I was one of the 100 most influential executive coaches. I know close to 300 coaches really. I know more than 300 coaches in various communities across India. There may be, may be in the country, two or four people are there for me. I want to see myself to be seen as a pioneer in education, you know early childhood education. Because I personally feel that these are the areas where a lot of work should be done. And in our country it's not taken up that seriously. After these installations I have started working a lot on these things. My first book got authored and there is a lot that had been added into the curriculum considering the senses of children. A happy parent would always nurture a happy child is now what we have started looking forward to. This was the shift I wanted to bring in the style of teaching of the teachers. And EIT really enabled it. So the journey began and it started with one school and then I was working with multiple schools. I could go and help teachers shift their mindsets for education, for delivering the lessons that they deliver and much more. Right now I am in a middle management role. I head the solution consulting business. But what I am really looking at is such as MD of a country or break into a CXO role. Our business has hit numbers and beyond numbers over 100% achievement for last two quarters back to back. In the fourth quarter we will end up doing numbers which we did in the entire year last year, last financial year. Currently what I do is I am a director with technology consulting, a senior manager with technology consulting. I want to see myself wherein I own sales and presales both. In terms of what I am doing today, so I did become a manager in a year. Then I transitioned out of that role. I transitioned into sales. Then I did the sales role in a domain which was new to me. From there I transitioned into technology consulting. Earlier I was doing a national role. Later when I moved into technology consulting, I currently do a role which has a global aspect to it across the nation. And while I was doing all of this, I also built my journey in terms of how I would evolve as an investor. It is 25-30 years of experience which has been compressed into some four years. So what Harini and I are looking at always is what will complete your set of capabilities. So that you are more effective at what you are doing now, but you are also ready for what is going to happen in the future. And you don't have to, see a lot of times when people look at their life, there will be a point where they are really growing fast. And then they plateaued and then again they were growing fast. And that plateau happens because you had to figure out the capabilities when you went to the next level. Personal relations, so again I want to take it to the next level. I at times feel there is something missing that probably I don't express my feelings that much. Personally, the relationship is going at a different level with not only the immediate family members, but relatives, friends, even team members. I would ask that my daughter grows up knowing that she is loved and that stays with her all her life. And I would ask for resources to take care of good life. I would have perhaps fallen into some emotional patterns that I was carrying. I was carrying a template of how I experienced my own childhood and how my parents parented me. I would have carried a very strong imprint of that and that would not have been there to my child. I feel I can bring so much more authenticity and congruence to being a parent. Otherwise I would have kind of operated on some template that may not have even been in my mother's hands. So it wouldn't have been felt for my child. At home front also it has been very nice. I think Puranjay also came for up. What you need to take care of is communicate to your father about how you want to be a world champion. Not a professional, world champion. So after that we've been having very open conversations. It's not a relationship where someone is at a higher pedestal as a dad and son is learning. There are many occasions where you are co-learning from each other and really marveling at the fact when both of you are seeing and building your own relationships. The second big thing is I've heard Anteno make this statement and it has really resonated for me. That if you could have the freedom to solve for time and money what would you really do with your life? You could do so much more. So I have a lot of ideas I want to do and if I could solve for time and money I would be doing a lot of different things which I feel I don't have the freedom to do. I hit 7 for that even last year. Okay so last financial year. I'm like now 9 months, 6 months into this year. When I came I was at zero. I'm starting out. I know people who have been in the same space that I entered, who entered years before me, who are good, who are competent, who are qualified, who are great people. And they have not been able to crack the project that I should have. It's over a period of this time I've kind of invested into two small companies. As an investor it is a very interesting journey that started. I've started interacting with the startup ecosystem. I've figured out a venture capital investing platform. So I'm an investor in three companies. Those three companies today are doing well. Financial freedom is achieved. I have to really summarize. Financial freedom, done, auto-violet. Investing as a journey, done, auto-violet. Career as a journey that I am progressing towards being a partner in auto-violet right now. The ANH, it was more to do with okay this is the business I need to grow that at a good rate then this is what I need to achieve. But it wasn't from an impact mindset. Now when I look at business coaching it is okay, business is growing. That is one aspect for which I'm going. But the impact that it has on the lives of my clients, their team members, the entire ecosystem within that company is something because I am capable enough now to create that impact. Before ANH the impact to me was that people look up to you, people know you, they know you're working in a particular thing. They recognize you, right? But now the impact is, is there anything I have done in a day when I've got a shift in somebody's life because of which maybe a life is saved, because of which maybe they have made a good mark in their work, maybe they have saved a relationship, maybe a divorce stopped, it didn't occur, it was about to. I think that's the impact. Rather people look up to you as rather people like when they're around you, they feel themselves. This is a unique program, it is not something that caters just to one aspect of your life. The beauty about the program, it caters to all the aspects of your life. They are those change makers. You know you meet them for a few minutes when you meet them. But even though the meeting ends there, the presence in the life and the impact that they make is continuous. It just continues. They've given wings to my dreams and they've given me something. There's so many rich layers that I'm experiencing which I may not have otherwise and it's so something. Thank you. It's a big, big thank you. Keep spreading the light that you're spreading. Nobody can replace you and you are the best. For more information visit www.cdc.gov.uk